January 29, 2008
Effin pick one!
You had to be there. But I actually should have been talking to myself. I’m in a bad state.
I’m sick to my stomach and I can’t concentrate on anything.
12 hours ago, I was on top of the world. In fact, the past few days were the best in a long time. Coming down from that high, however, leaves me feeling worse than ever.
Looks can be deceiving. New vehicle, in my 3rd year of marriage, beautiful healthy son, 5 months away from an IT job. But besides Julian, I’d give it all up for peace of mind. I feel like a prisoner of war inside my own fucking head. Being tortured for answers that I don’t have.
The truth is..I haven’t been happy for years.
“Everything’s good” LIE
“I’m straight” LIE (not in a gay way, relax homos)
“I’m good. I’m always good. When am I not good?” sounds great…but no
Everything is not good. I want to be very very alone and for a second..maybe a half second..I thought to myself “If it wasn’t for my son..”
My thoughts went to a very bad place. 😦
But nobody can help me because nobody knows the whole story. They know the part that pertains to them but it’s so convoluted and complicated at this point that I can’t even begin to tell it to any of you.
Regret after regret. I’ve broken hearts and vows. I’ve alienated friends.
I’ve made terrible, irreversible decisions and things aren’t getting better. Watching events unfold, events that I put into motion with my own selfishness..I can’t help but wish things were different. But different how?
Well for starters..never, EVER release the big fish in hopes that the next one will be bigger. You’ll catch some, sure. But the big fish will never bite that hook again.
You’ve got to decide what everything is worth. I feel like I’ve been building a house and someone just told me that under my foundation is a treasure chest. Do I tear my house down to get at the pot of gold? Seriously, I’m asking.
But it seems like everything is being set in place. All of the cast members are taking their marks and it seems this could be my cue to exit stage left. Everyone finds their someone.
Listen to me. Be happy. Find happy and never let happy go. You don’t want to be anything like me. Who dives off of a ship headed to paradise, in order to chase a mermaid?
I sound crazy. I feel crazier.
I don’t know how to do this. At the end of the day, I’m just me. That’s the only constant. People come and go it seems, but I remain.
If only fairy tales could have 3 endings. If only wishes came true.
I need to get far far far away. So I can stop causing damage, stop the confusion. Stop the faking and the deception and just stop all of it. I need to fucking erase the memories of me in the minds of those I’ve touched. It’s like I leave a virus and they’re better off not knowing me at all. Bane, scourge, nihilist, me.
But here I am..writing a blog. Like everybody gives a shit what I think.
It’s so over. I was handed everything I needed in order to be happy. I was given all the chances I could ask for. I squandered it all. Now I’m in a glass elevator and I want out. But I look down and I’m so far off the ground already that I can’t bring myself to break it. I see everyone down there. I want you..
My head is so twisted.