April 29, 2008

Unacceptable

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:17 pm by sonofthed

Today’s Date: April 29th

In other words, today marks the celebration of the 30th birthday of Ben & Jerry’s.

In other other words, today is Free Cone Day!!!

Except not in Holland, Michigan.

This is entirely unacceptable.

I arrived at the storefront to find that a handwritten sign had been taped into the window. I stopped in my tracks. It read:

“Instead of Free Cone Day, we have donated to several local businesses and organizations. On April 3rd, we donated our nightly proceeds to Hospice of Holland.”

Uhh…what? At this point I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on and why…but I knew that it was entirely and utterly unacceptable.

Crestfallen and extremely disappointed, I retreated to my vehicle. On the way home, I couldn’t shake the thought that there must be more to the story. You don’t just cancel a promotion that only comes around once a year. Especially to donate money to local businesses. Fuck a hospice. This is IC (Ice Cream) we’re talking about here. So I made a phone call.

“Ben and Jerry’s”

“Hi, is this the Ben and Jerry’s on 8th?”

“Yes it is.”

“Ok, great. How are you today?”

“I’m doing well. What can I do for you?”

“Well I’m here with a bus full of children from my church and we’re just on our way down to enjoy Free Cone Day. I’m just calling to make sure you will be able to accommodate us.”

“We’re actually not participating in Free Cone Day this year. Instead, what we did is we donated money to local businesses and organizations.”

“…………..I don’t understand”

“Well, you see we actually can’t stock enough ice cream for both Free Cone Day and the Tulip Time rush so we’re actually not doing Free Cone Day.”

“But…I don’t understand. Instead of free ice cream cones..you donated money to businesses.”

“Yes, sir.”

“…..So then what would be the promotion today to make me come to your store?”

“Hold on…*what’s our promotion today?*..ok, we actually do not have a promotion today.”

“I still don’t understand. Isn’t this supposed to be for Ben and Jerry’s birthday?”

“Yes, I believe it’s for the birthday of the chain.”

“30th, right?”

“Uh..let me find out..*is it the thirtieth?*..yes sir, the 30th birthday of the chain.”

“So..hooray 30th birthday!!!….no free cone day. Am I understanding you correctly?”

“Yes, sir. That’s right.”

“This doesn’t make any sense. How can you not have free cones on Free Cone Day?”

“Well we use a lot of ice cream for Free Cone Day. We also use a lot of ice cream during Tulip Time. Tulip Time is gonna happen no matter what. So we decided to just kill Free Cone Day.” Unacceptable.

“So I should pretty much just come during Tulip Time?”

“Sure.”

“So during Tulip Time, it’s basically the same thing as Free Cone Day..except Regular Cone Day?”

“er..yes…you could say that.” Unacceptable.

“Except with a lot more people.”

“….yes.”

“So then what am I supposed to do with these children on the bus?”

“I…don’t know what to tell you sir. Believe me, I wish it was Free Cone Day too.” wtf? no you don’t

“Well do you at least know if Baskin-Robbins is still having 31 cent scoop day tomorrow?”

“I…don’t even know where the nearest Baskin-Robbins is.”

“You guys really couldn’t just have like a Free Cone Day from 3 to 5 or from like 4 to 6?”

“I’m actually not the one in charge of that. The owner isn’t in right now.”

“Just out of curiosity..did you guys have Free Cone Day last year?”

“I don’t believe so sir.”

“Thank you. Goodbye.”

This to me is entirely unacceptable. How do you have a nationwide free ice cream promotion and then just act like it doesn’t exist at your location?

How is donating to local businesses at all a replacement for a free cone filled with ice cream? If you want to be charitable, that’s great. But don’t pretend that it’s instead of Free Cone Day. One is delicious. One is not. Act accordingly.

And to have the sign in the window. As if to say “Don’t even bother coming in if you’re expecting a free cone on Free Cone Day.” Rude. Entirely unacceptable. That says “Don’t even come to our business.” That’s not a promotion. That’s an anti-promotion.

That brings me to the conclusion. Fuck Ben & Jerry’s. They blew it. I’m boycotting them. They had the chance to become my dessert destination of choice and instead they chose Tulip Time. Unacceptable.

To get my hopes up about a frozen confection free of charge and then to snatch those aspirations from me..it hurts my heart and it’s absolutely intolerable. It’s as if this was some nefarious April Fool’s joke. This is like issuing the Emancipation Proclamation..and then taking it back. This wasn’t Free Slice Day, Free Sandwich Day, Free Appetizers Day..this was Free Motherfucking Cone Day. Very VERY disappointed.

But I guess as they say “If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.”

2 Comments »

  1. ely said,

    Hilarious!!!
    I cant you believe you actually called them…scratch that I BELEIVE IT!

    Well, stick wit Haagen Dahz!
    Sundae Cone…..so yummy!

    hugs
    ely

  2. doug said,

    The most hilarious part is how long that conversation goes on.

    Love and Tulips
    Doug

    PS: call.


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